Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Random Reviews

I decided to review random things and stuff for you.  The good, the bad, the random. My recent trip to Vegas had some influence on what I reviewed.
I couldn't think of anything to rant on and on about. What does this mean??? Am I turning human?

Are you There, Chelsea?: A new TV show that I enjoy. It's  inappropriate and dirty. The star is basically an alcoholic whore. Obviously, I cannot relate. It also has a perplexing amount of little and short people in the cast. Watch it.

Air Canada:  Our "flag carrier". What a joke. I hate them. They are like your 38 year old brother that still lives in Mom's basement. Stop fucking up. Nobody actually likes you.  The end.

Bacon:  Bacon is my religion. I love bacon. I have even learned to embrace the low sodium kind. What can I say, it's the health nut in me.

Aussie Cheese Fries:  From Outback Steakhouse.  Fries, seasoned, 3 kinds of melted cheese, bacon, spicy ranch dip. Need I say more? Comparably, eating these is like having an orgasmic experience while entering the gates of heaven.  These are constantly on my mind.  We do not have an Outback where I live. There are, supposedly, 3 located in a city 3 hours away that I frequent for work and drinking. May consider moving there now.

Vodka:  When I don't feel like having wine stained lips and teeth that make me look like a Twilight character, I enjoy vodka. Not picky, although when I am buying a bottle for the old homestead, I usually go with Absolute. When someone else is buying, Grey Goose. Vodka does not give me the same awkward, paralyzing, you-should-be-kept-in-a-cage drunk that wine does. A definite win for those occasions where I must be classy. Like a baptism or children's Christmas concert. Or when the Bachelor is on.

Walgreens: Walgreen's, particularly in Vegas, can provide an alarming amount of entertainment. Next time you are shitfaced drunk and lost a substantial amount of money gambling, I encourage you to grab your best friend and checkout your local Walgreen's. You won't be disappointed. They sell underwear. Extra points for getting kicked out.

Turnips: Are disgusting. There is no good reason for them. Just say no to turnips.

Slot Machines:  In Vegas, money is not real. It's just paper that allows you to continue to play super fun games. I will shovel handfuls of cash into those machines, but, funny enough, I won't just light the bills on fire beforehand. In real life, I have (very little) self control and self respect. Not in Vegas. I will play those machines until my eyes are bleeding and I am considering prostitution so I can play another game.  The drinks are free though, so I just pretend that each drink cost me $250.

Vampires: Why is everything about vampires right now? It's stupid.  They aren't real. Our youth today (and, disturbingly, some adults) fantasize about dead people that drink blood and don't sleep. I don't see the appeal. Whether or not I would have sex with Edward Cullen is neither here nor there.

Marky Mark:  Mark Wahlberg. Love. Want. It's his badass frowny attitude that gets me going. Watch Contraband. Watch the Good Vibrations music video. They are all good. I am going to find a way to have his children one day. Or his sexually transmitted diseases. Either or.

Wine:  Last but not least, the wind beneath my wings. Without wine, this potential Pulitzer prize winning blog would not exist. I would not have character defining bruises covering my body.  Without wine, I would not have the courage to sing or dance as beautifully as I do.  I most likely would not have as many failed relationships. Stain removal is a skill now. The list benefits and credit I need to give to wine is endless.
Wine has made me who I am today. And that's sayin' something.

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