Friday, 20 April 2012

No Sex & The City

Let's talk a little bit about the birds and the bees and dating. And also the purpose of men.

For me, personally, when I find myself single, I go into a bit of a panic. Who the hell is going to put together IKEA furniture for me?  What the fuck is an ethernet cable?  The internet and TV only work in the presence of a male apparently.  Where do I buy a shovel?  OMG, light bulbs burn out.
So, yes, boys, you do come in handy. Sometimes.

I would rather eat glass and wash it down with rubbing alcohol than start dating someone new. It's annoying and stupid.  The beginning awkwardness is awesome. Is he going to kiss me? Do I kiss him? I am an independent woman and should get the bill. I have had 3 tequila shots and this is the perfect opportunity to take him home, but I am wearing underwear with the Cookie Monster on them. Why hasn't he called?  I'll just stare at my phone for 4 hours straight.

But, if you ladies date in Wine Hag fashion, a first date will consist of you getting trashed out of your mind, calling him Burt, telling him his cold sore looking zit is ready to be popped, and ending with you befriending your cab driver, Davinder, and going for Falafels at 2 am.  He will not call you.

And then, after the first few initial dates, you get to know the idiot. Oh wow, really, you cry after sex?  Umm, no, you cannot snort cocaine off my ass.  Would you mind not wearing that "Fuck The Police" T-shirt out for brunch?  Actually, that is not a birthmark and you are disgusting. Get off of me immediately.  Sure, Super Hero trading cards are cute.

In my experience,  you will end up dating one of two guys. The Stage 5 Clinger, or the Commitment Phobe Man Whore.

The Clinger texts and/or calls 40 seconds after you say goodbye.  He is in love with you!  Oh happy day.  What did you have for dinner? Do you miss him?  His Mom would like your phone number.  Who is Mike and why are you friends with him on Facebook? Can we cuddle more?  This will get annoying because you actually like to pee in private.

The CPMW will not call.  He will not text. He will text your best friend behind your back. He will post on Facebook that he's on a date with 2 Asian twins and is totally going to score tonight.  He will call you at 3 am after his sexcapades though.  And this totally unacceptable asshole behavior will be a turn on for you, because you are damaged with issues and enjoy being treated like shit.  You can change him and all the pain will be totally worth it.  Totally worth it.

One shock to some is that when a girl finds herself single, life does not automatically look like an episode of Sex and the City. People have lives! No one is going to meet you at  a coffee shop at 4 in the afternoon to discuss dumb shit.  You will not be a socialite wearing sequins and fighting rich bachelors off. And you certainly don't meet men in a flirtatious serendipitous encounter at Home Depot. It does not happen.  But, you can be thankful you do not look like Sarah Jessica Parker.

Ladies, do yourself a favor. Get some cats. Stop shaving your legs. Drink wine and start a blog.

1 comment:

  1. Matt can change our light bulbs and set up furniture. I'll put out.