Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Christmas in Julyish

Hello my little kitten toed babies! Did you miss me?
You may have thought/hoped that I went away to rehab, but sorry to disappoint, I did not. I'm still Cabernet Sauvignon kicking it.

The truth is, I have been lazy. And drunk. And my life got really, really busy and chaotic.
But enough about me. Let's get to a rant and some bitchery, shall we?

I went to Costco not long ago. It started out as a usual trip of magicallness. (I am absolutely making that a word) 10 feet in the door, I wanted everything that was being show cased on sale. New coffee mugs? Yes.  Four thousand batteries all conveniently wrapped in one package? Affirmative.  900 litres of hair gel? Yup.  Two hundred fabric softener sheets for $8? Fuck to the yes.

Side rant: Maybe I'm really judgmental, but you know those people that have 5 carts full of stuff and it's clear they don't own a restaurant? It's a family of four and an entire cart is full of , like, mayo.  I don't get it and I desperately want to ask them why, and, depending on what they are wearing, punch them. There are other ways to get attention, folks.  Get out.

Anyway, as I was meandering through the my warehouse happy place, debating on whether or not I really needed a Winchester 16 cu. ft. fire and theft resistant executive safe, I stopped in my tracks. The horror!

Right there in front of me, was Christmas merchandise. Wrapping paper, lights, bows, Rudolph, the whole shebang.

Hold on just a goddamn minute, Costco.  Why are you doing this to me? I'm still wearing flip flops. I'm still willingly shaving my legs (kinda). Let me buy a pumpkin spiced beverage, dress like a slutty something for Halloween, and avoid raking leaves before you send me into a Christmas prep tailspin!  Why are they skipping Halloween candy and turkeys and junk and going right for the seasonal jugular?
I blame the crazy mayo people. They're the ones that start buying that shit this early.

Obviously pissed off and flabbergasted, I did what any self-respecting protester would do. I marched my overflowing cart containing everything in the world to the front, paid my nine thousand dollars,and got the heck out of there.  After I stopped at the Costco liquor store. I mean, 4 bottles of wine for $38 is nothing to sniff at.

In conclusion and protest of this calamity, please do this little hag a favor. Until mid-November, go ahead and say yes to six hundred and forty seven Q-Tips. Say no to the Christmas spirit. And mayo.

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