Thursday, 23 February 2012

You Did What?

This evening I thought I would share some of my embarrassing/stupid moments I have had thus far in life.  Some are not appropriate for this blog, but I do have some gooders that can be shared.

High school, grade 11, outdoor party in the middle of nowhere. I had just been told that my boyfriend had been flirting with some whore before I got there, and possibly had cheated. I was power pissed and out for blood. I did what any other non-sober 17 year old would do, and marched up to one of my very good looking male friends and asked if he wanted to make out. He tried to respond, but I kept cutting him off, ranting about said  male slut boyfriend. When I finally stopped talking, I realized what he had been trying to tell me. As I said, this party was outdoors, and I didn't realize that when I threw myself at him, he was in the middle of peeing, and therefore, pissing all over me while I was ranting.

One story that was just stupid, again, was in high school. There was a football team in town from the US, playing against us. I ended up "befriending" a young fellow from Texas. He decided he was in love with me. I decided he wasn't that good looking and a big mistake.  He wouldn't stop calling me several times a day and sending love letters.  So I got one of friends one night to answer my phone one night and tell him I had died. In my 16 year old mind, problem solved!  Well, that certainly backfired when he called later on to find out from my mother when the funeral was and where to send flowers. I have accepted the fact that I am going to hell.

About a year ago, I managed to trip while walking into the elevator up to my office. This is a special talent of mine. I manage to trip over nothing quite frequently. My purse goes flying and so does all of it's contents. Of course a reasonably good looking man was in there. I was pretty sure I had picked everything up, until he handed me a tampon.  That was swell.  I'm not sure who wanted to die more, me or him.

There's always the good old wine related stories. I should not be allowed near technology or public forum of any kind when I have been drinking. I am 100% the one that will call or text an ex when hammered.  I've been known to apply for jobs online when I've been drinking.  Apparently I thought I'd make an excellent paramedic one memorable night that involved a lot of vanilla vodka.
If you happen to be the love of my life via a secret crush, chances are, you will hear about it after half a dozen drinks.  Loudly.  I will then try to fight you after you tell me no, you don't want to get on a late night flight to get married in Vegas. It's because I'm ugly, isn't it?!

And speaking of fights, I've been in a few. Lucky for me, I grew up with a brother who seriously beat the complete shit out of me growing up.  I learned a few things. And some girls, well, they fight like girls. Not that I'm a good fighter. I pretty much just close my eyes and start swinging.
I mentioned before in an earlier blog that I physically attacked a stranger at a work function over a board game. Seriously, you can't take me anywhere.

In terms of dumb shit, I'm not allowed to touch anything in our house. I'll wreck it.  I'm not even allowed to hang pictures.  They will be crooked, too high, while covering 19 holes in the wall behind it.
A few weeks ago, I was so proud of myself because I was at a hardware store, and decided to buy an extra jug of windshield washer fluid. I proactively put in my truck so I would have it when I ran out. (which always happens when I am conveniently going 100 miles an hour down a mudslide).  Long story short, it turns out I bought plumbing antifreeze, and am a failure at life.

I've been in accidents in almost every motorized vehicle there is. I crashed my mini motorbike as a kid.  I was a passenger on a quad that went through a barbed wire fence.  I was a passenger in a car that rolled 8 times. Flipped a skidoo.  I was a passenger in a van that drove INTO the convenience store in my hometown. (ok, that one is just hilarious)  I avoid boats for obvious reasons.

I could really go on and on. How I have friends and a relationship is beyond me. Some of my readers know me very well, and know lots of other stories that didn't make tonight's blog.

My next blog is going to be a guest blog, written by somebody else. I think that is cool and interesting. I have a few different people in mind, but if you would like to write a guest entry, let me know.  And that is not an invite for cyber perverts to submit pictures of their junk to me.  Thanks.

1 comment:

  1. You know, it's a shame that Texan wasn't cuter because he was so in love with you. This post made me laugh so much. Thank god I wasn't working the day that van hit the store, the same one where you may have asked me to keep tabs on what your various crushes purchased and when and how they paid for it...and yes, I kept their receipts. And do you remember when we drove into that shallow ditch filled with about 4 inches of water and had to be towed out?

    Posted anonymously to protect the identity of both of us.