Saturday, 17 December 2011

Divine Punishment

I need a Christmas miracle, people.

We are hosting an Ugly Christmas Sweater party tonight. There is supposed to be about 25 people coming over in 4 hours.  I am still in my pajamas. I want to die.

I had a work related party last night.  As usual, I was the drunken fool that nobody wants to be.  It's kind of my thing. My claim to fame. I am that girl.  Just once I would like to experience going out, having a few casual beverages and go home with my boyfriend who will actually say he still loves me after a night out with me.
Le sigh. That will most likely never happen.

Even the Wine Hag has her limits. I have just been introduced to mine. I am not as hardcore as I used to be. I am the equivalent of a human stump today. I cannot function. I want to cry. I want to stop shaking. And I want the little bit of puke on my bathroom floor (courtesy of moi) to magically disappear.

In 4 hours I must:
-Clean up and get rid of clutter that happens to be fucking everywhere. God damn Christmas and the wrapping paper paraphernalia that comes with it.
- Move a mattress from the lowest level of our house to the top level. Fuck.
-Brush my teeth. This needs to happen.
-Put clean sheets on our 2 guest beds.  I now hate my friends.
-Take a shower. Boo.
-I still have to make my cursed Ugly Christmas sweater. I'm toying with the idea of Christmas pajamas. That would be nice.
-Go and pick up my truck that is still at the place where it all began.
-Go and buy food and snacks for tonight.  My boyfriend does not agree that crackers and a jar of peanut butter set out on a nice Christmas table cloth will suffice.  He's never having sex again.

In my desperation to feel human again, I have been googling hangover cures. actually suggested eating mineral rich foods like pickles or canned fish.  Canned fish??!  Are they for real?  I can tell you that if I were to come into contact with canned fish right now, it would be barfomania. Ugh, the thought of it is making gag and sweat at the same time. Sick.

I'm now going to go find a McDonald's cheeseburger and say my prayers. Would it be bad if I went to bed at  my own party at 8:30? Wish me luck.

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