Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Rated "R" for Ridiculous

After I spent $107 at Dollarama (that's a whole other blog post), I watched The Bodyguard tonight. I will always like that movie. My two favorite parts are when they are about to get it on and Kevin Costner throws Whitney Houston's silk scarf in the air and it effortlessly is sliced by his samurai sword (no really, there is a samurai sword. I'm not being a pervert and referring to his junk as a sword) and the very end when she's about to leave on the plane and yells "wait!",  right before Whit busts out the best part of "I Will Always Love You".

 I got thinking about Kevin Costner. He had some solid movies: The Bodyguard, Dances with Wolves, Robin Hood and that baseball cornfield one or whatever. So this got me thinking about movies today.  What in the hell has happened to our society's definition of entertainment?  7 out of 10 movies released now are about vampires, paranormal activity and weird, creepy possessed children.  What happened to the good old movies with substance and plots that were somewhat believable and even possible?

Is it too much to ask for a terrifying slasher flick? The reason Friday the 13th and Scream films were so scary is because it is highly plausible that someone could come into your home and murder you.  I don't lay awake at night worrying that there will be a Vampire vs Werewolf throw down in the front yard or that there is small sleep deprived child in my closet seeing dead people.  Ridiculous!
Remember the movie called "The Ring"?  What. The. Fuck.Was. That.  A video tape of a wishing well, with a weird dark haired kid that climbs out. Oh, and you die if you watch the tape.  Oscar worthy!

For the record, I actually hate horror movies. I would not sit and watch someone be murdered in real life, so why would I pay $10 to watch murder for entertainment purposes?  But for arguments sake, and to save me from this imaginary fairyland bullshit, I'll gladly watch Freddy or Jason make a comeback.

Don't get me wrong.  I can get down with some fake shit.  Independance Day and Jurassic Park - love!
I'm just ready for a selection of Shawshank Redemption/Donnie Brasco/Dazed & Confused caliber movies to come out, damn it.  I am forever grateful for Liam Neeson and his kickass, action packed and twisty ending films that he still releases every couple of years.  Fuck this little Harry Potter bastard! (Whoever he is. I have never read a Harry Potter book or seen a movie. And I never ever will)

Until I get my wish, I will remain at home, heckling at the previews of the newest movie about a Ghost and a Warlock having a baby, and their hard decision of whether to have it baptized by a unicorn or a leprechaun, all while under siege of  Santa's reindeer, being ridden by the cast of Twilight.

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